I am continuing on in my process of taking apart what I thought I knew, rebuilding pieces of how I see myself, and choosing how I present myself to the world. It is an exercise in deep personal reflection, and it often results in truths I may not want to admit. Yet I know that it is vital to my growth, and to the wellbeing of those I love. I have chosen to live my life in the open, and as such I cannot hide what I don't like about myself simply for my own comfort. Meaningful transition occurs only when we set aside our inner narratives describing an unrealistic self. We are neither angel nor demon, but our stories can convince us otherwise.
One of my inner narratives, how others' opinions of me alter my view of self, was brought to light when I was on a discussion panel for two Introduction to Psychology courses this past Spring. I was invited to share my life experiences and knowledge about transgender and intersex information with students at a community college. I have participated in this panel for over four years now, and it has been a fairly easy gig. Nearly always when the class was over, there would be many students, and staff, who thanked us all, commenting about our courage. Thankfully, this occurred that day, since there were two incidents during the talks that left me somewhat rattled by the end of the second session. My fellow panelists had also felt challenged, and as we went our separate ways, there was a palpable feeling of discomfort as we headed into our "regular" lives.
When I began the first class, (our panel team actually has a format because we've worked together for so long,) I did my usual opening that includes asking the audience to identify what each of the letters in L[lesbian] G[gay] B[bisexual] T[transgender] Q[queer] I[intersex] Q[questioning] and A[allies] represents. One of the other panelists refers to this as my "Weird Version of Sesame Street!" Over the years, people have become more familiar with the acronym, except for the "I" for intersex, and then ask them which label they would like to put on me. I encourage them to speak out, guess, and pretend that I am literally going to put a sticky note on my forehead. I usually have to start off with one to get them going, for example, "What about 'L'? Probably not." And from there the fun begins.
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| Labels, which one do you want? |
Perhaps it was my own narrative at work, that my worth was dependent on whether the man felt ok about himself, and how that would make my life safer.
The second class brought other sensitive topics to the table, including what types of medical treatment are appropriate for transgender individuals, particularly for those who are incarcerated. Although one of the cases did have roots in criminal activities, the underlying message was about standards of care for transfolk. What I heard and interpreted from the the audience, was that medically necessary treatments for transgender people are subject to a person's action, not his or her healthcare needs, or human dignity. There was a again a cisgender male who shared his views with us on this matter. He brought forward his theories about the better uses of money aimed at changing the lives of at-risk-youth, rather than inmates. He stated that medical intervention for transgender individuals in prison should be denied, particularly based on the severity of the crime. It became a very heated debate that led to a profound discomfort for all of the people in the room.
Of course, he was completely entitled to his opinions, yet he failed to acknowledge that we were too. The sparring went on, and he responded that I wasn't hearing/listening to what he was saying. The statement was both accurate and inaccurate. We had entered into a conflict, and I chose to defend my positions, rather than hear the meanings he intended in his words. I chose to act threatened and became defensive going to my wounded places and speaking from there. Unfortunately, he did as well.
In the end, the encounter was little more than a series of personal attacks, for both parties, with no sense of compromise or even comprehension on either side. We, as a panel, requested to move on to other questions and topics, and he chose to leave the lecture hall. And though I would have been happy to have further discussion with him privately, he had not stayed around for that. Simply put, conflict is uncomfortable, and frankly I didn't actually want to talk with him either.
In retrospect, it's kind of funny that none of us thought to discuss whether or not some of those at-risk-youth might be LBGTQIQ. I wonder what would have happened if that round of logic had occurred. I wonder if both groups would have reached some common ground, rather than retreating to our private islands of fear and wounds.
As I reflect back on what I did and didn't say or do, I realize that my overall sense of self, particularly, my ability to see myself as independent from others' views of me was changing that day. It was a pivotal shift in my worldview, one where I stopped being afraid of others' fears and started embracing the self that I can trust. A self that is grounded in a sense of the inherent difference that comes with being a beloved LGBTQIQ identified child of G-d. It was the beginning of profound growth, filled with the growing pains that come with such a thing. And I eventually had to decide what my narrative about who I am as a member of the LGBTQIQ community truly is.
So, when it comes to the "H" for heterosexuality, I have decided that I will take a compassionate yet firm stand. A stand that embraces heterosexuality as a sexual orientation, because it is, yet one that believes that being in a minority is not equal to being in the majority. In the LGBTQIQ community we are rarely represented in the world around us in fair or accurate ways. Transwomen on television are almost non-existent, and are most frequently portrayed by cisgender males. Great kudos though to the actress Laverne Cox for representing the community in positive ways, albeit in a role where she is incarcerated. In the news transwomen are often criminals, sex workers, or overly sexualized feminine ideals that can pass as "real" women. Transmen get even less notice, although a few famous guys can be seen on television now and again.
But it's more than just basic representation, real activists, characters, or even everyday individuals. I've never seen a transman in an advertisement for male underwear, standing in just their skivvies, scars visible on their chest, or breasts bound, or bodies altered or unaltered by hormone therapies. And although the fashion industry has been using both transwomen and masculine appearing women to model their lines of high end clothing, those garments are more costume than clothing. The models are not the product, and the bottom line is money, not representation. It is almost like a trendy new fad to use transgender people to show how progressive a company is, kind of like using gays, or latinos, or African Americans, or women.
But what about just regular products, like groceries, or furniture, or toiletries? There haven't been many ads for deodorant where 2 men are sharing their bathroom and getting ready for the day. Or how about an ad for cereal where 2 moms are getting their kids ready for school? I don't see my community reflected in the hetero-normative media that I am bombarded with on a daily basis. I don't see myself in the magazines at the checkout lines. My experience is different than that of the other 90% of the world around me, simply because my gender identity is different. And no amount of tokenism will remedy that.
And that's where the "A" the Allies can aid in the process of transition for those of us in the LGBTQIQ community. When heterosexual, cisgender, gender conforming people stand in solidarity with us, we may find greater acceptance in the world around us. It is when our families and friends use the correct terms, pronouns, and names that we feel validated and made real. It is when companies run by supportive allies choose LGBTQIQ causes to support that real change happens. It is when allies present and support legal changes for safety, vocation, military service, healthcare, and the basic rights of human dignity and worth, that we become a greater society than we were before. It is when programs for at-risk-youth who are LGBTQIQ are funded, providing a safety net so that fewer kids commit suicide, that the A for allies becomes an A for acceptance, and an A for achievement.
I've finally learned that as a transgender/intersex individual it's not my job to make people comfortable with me. If by knowing me as a person, then that's great, but the truth is that it's my job to help others be comfortable with themselves. I have changed myself in physical, emotional, and spiritual ways that have created the man you see me as each day. I choose to share my experiences so that others on their own gender journeys will know that they are not alone. I have travelled on and will continue to walk a path few ever will. And by speaking out and speaking up, I am not alone either. And all I want for others is to know that they are capable of anything, no matter how impossible it may seem, including the ability to change their own worldviews.
I know that I have.
Thank you for being an ally on my journey.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
*A person whose experiences of their own gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
