Good Evening,
I know it is late. I have been so distracted by my everyday life that I have put my writing life on hold again. And in the end both lives have suffered.
Yet, I am happy to be here now, and I want to share just a little something that has been percolating in my mind all day.
This morning I heard someone discuss a particular translation, NIV, of the christian scriptures, Corinthians 13:1-13, that said that love doesn't keep score. And I must admit that it was a bitter pill to swallow. I am after all a score keeper. A recorder of injustices and wrongs. A mighty grudge holder, who happens to have a nearly eidetic memory (like photographic), who in some respects truly cannot forget anything. And here was a message saying that love doesn't do this. That love doesn't need to keep score. That love is greater than all the grudges I could ever hold. And honestly, it is much better for me than the bile I choose to accumulate in my soul. It was a painful message to hear.
I went home and ruminated. I tried to talk. I tried to sleep. I tried to ignore my own deeper intuition that I there was something within me that could respond to this wounded place that was screaming for attention. Something to pacify this score keeper who was fighting tooth and nail to claim that the grudges were important and that the score mattered in the final analysis. Something to quiet this angry little man screeching to be right. Some voice of calm to soothe this troubled self.
And then it hit me, simply, calmly, and surprisingly, that I have long lived one specific part of my life in this truly loving manner.
Mini-golf.
Yep, I learned years ago that if I wanted to enjoy playing mini-golf with my young children, that everyone had a much better time when I didn't keep score. There was no time spent on writing down the number of times anyone attempted to hit the ball. There was no record of mistakes, of times the ball left the green, or entered the water, or hit the windmill, or hit me, or bounced out of the cup. There was no angst over who was winning, or who was losing. There was no winner at the end. There was no loser at the end.
Instead there were four mostly happy people who enjoyed playing, looking silly, laughing, maybe crying, soaking in the sun, and being thankful for the time together. No scorecard at the end could mess that up. No regrets about going over par. No tears about losing. No frustration at not being the best. Just contentment with a game well enjoyed.
And as I thought about this I heard my own voice echoing in my mind:
"Why don't you choose to live your life like this?"
And I was unsure. I was unsure if I could. I was unsure if I wanted to.
Mini-golf is one thing, but life? My whole life lived without keeping score? What purpose could I possibly achieve at the end if I did not have a record of everything I had ever done?
And tonight I have realized that the answer is exactly the same as the one I had found when I unburdened myself by choosing not to keep score in mini-golf.
There will be a mostly happy person, who enjoyed playing, looking silly, laughing, maybe crying, soaking in the sun, and being thankful for the time that he had together with his family. And there will be no imaginary scorecard at the end to change my memories or my experiences. There will be no regrets about how many tries it took me to succeed. There will be no tears about losing a game that wasn't meant to be won or lost. There will be no frustration at not having been the best. There will only be contentment with a life well enjoyed.
So, tomorrow, I will try to live as though there is no scorecard of my life, marked with misses and mistakes, because deep down I know that there isn't one anyway. And I will walk out onto the green, tee up, swing my putter, and hope that I can get as close to appointed mark as I possibly can. And if I'm lucky, I'll get that hole-in-one, but more likely I'll get a few over par, and I will be happy because I got the chance to play.
Until we meet again.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Of Giving
Good Morning,
I have been sitting at my desk for awhile now, contemplating what and even if I should be writing. Honestly. I am overtired and over-hungry, my dog is scratching herself silly, while grunting, whining, and barking at the 7 folks outside my house, and there is a Star Wars movie playing in the next room. Beyond that, the folks on my porch, roof, and lawn are busily repairing things with loud equipment and the exuberant speech that comes from teenagers getting to play with power tools. And my younger son is excitedly running in and out of the house to check on the progress and offer help and advice!
I suppose I should explain what's going on here. As you may know we are not wealthy individuals. Frankly we are downright poor, but not quite poor enough, as far as the governor is concerned, and we have been graced with the presence of a work group from a local housing mission to help repair some of the problems with our porch. We will pay a small amount toward materials and these kind folks from away will patch up our mess. I am grateful and embarrassed all at the same time.
It is the conundrum that I live with. My wife and I have chosen to live this way to give our children parents who are available for them most of the time. We have chosen to work at nonprofits, public schools, babysitting, guest lecturing, and giving far more than we will ever receive from those we have helped. And it is so hard to ask for help from others.
It is a struggle for us to get by. And yet I resist reaching out for the same help that I freely offer to anyone in need.
I resist doing things for myself, going places, buying stuff, because I want my kids to have access to what whatever they need or often want. And in the end we all suffer when I do this, because I don't feel satisfied and they do not learn to do without. I have taught them through example that it is better to meet someone else's wants than to meet your own needs first. And then the resentment eats away at all of us.
So today, I sit and watch while others meet my needs. I sit and think these folks from away would surely rather be vacationing on the beautiful coast of Maine, eating lobster, rather than fixing my decrepit porch in the western foothills of Maine, eating lunch out of a cooler. And I realize that I am wrong. They are smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves tremendously, and are having a spiritual trip that is growing teens and adults alike in their faith journeys to becoming better, more whole individuals. And I wonder why I think this is a bad thing.
I wonder why I can't translate my own sense of giving into giving to myself.
I wonder if this is a hard thing for many of us.
And I hope that I can learn to be as gracious and grace-filled receiver as I believe I am a giver.
Thank you, for giving me your time, and for giving me the desire to keep writing.
I'll be in touch soon.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
I have been sitting at my desk for awhile now, contemplating what and even if I should be writing. Honestly. I am overtired and over-hungry, my dog is scratching herself silly, while grunting, whining, and barking at the 7 folks outside my house, and there is a Star Wars movie playing in the next room. Beyond that, the folks on my porch, roof, and lawn are busily repairing things with loud equipment and the exuberant speech that comes from teenagers getting to play with power tools. And my younger son is excitedly running in and out of the house to check on the progress and offer help and advice!
I suppose I should explain what's going on here. As you may know we are not wealthy individuals. Frankly we are downright poor, but not quite poor enough, as far as the governor is concerned, and we have been graced with the presence of a work group from a local housing mission to help repair some of the problems with our porch. We will pay a small amount toward materials and these kind folks from away will patch up our mess. I am grateful and embarrassed all at the same time.
It is the conundrum that I live with. My wife and I have chosen to live this way to give our children parents who are available for them most of the time. We have chosen to work at nonprofits, public schools, babysitting, guest lecturing, and giving far more than we will ever receive from those we have helped. And it is so hard to ask for help from others.
It is a struggle for us to get by. And yet I resist reaching out for the same help that I freely offer to anyone in need.
I resist doing things for myself, going places, buying stuff, because I want my kids to have access to what whatever they need or often want. And in the end we all suffer when I do this, because I don't feel satisfied and they do not learn to do without. I have taught them through example that it is better to meet someone else's wants than to meet your own needs first. And then the resentment eats away at all of us.
So today, I sit and watch while others meet my needs. I sit and think these folks from away would surely rather be vacationing on the beautiful coast of Maine, eating lobster, rather than fixing my decrepit porch in the western foothills of Maine, eating lunch out of a cooler. And I realize that I am wrong. They are smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves tremendously, and are having a spiritual trip that is growing teens and adults alike in their faith journeys to becoming better, more whole individuals. And I wonder why I think this is a bad thing.
I wonder why I can't translate my own sense of giving into giving to myself.
I wonder if this is a hard thing for many of us.
And I hope that I can learn to be as gracious and grace-filled receiver as I believe I am a giver.
Thank you, for giving me your time, and for giving me the desire to keep writing.
I'll be in touch soon.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
Monday, July 9, 2012
Of Silences and Summer Breezes
Hello My Friend,
My sincerest apologies for not having written sooner.
I have missed you.
I have missed "us" being together for these brief moments of communication.
I have missed being quiet enough to sit, and write, and think.
Just as I began my blog some months ago another area of my life "took off" and I found that I was busy teaching elementary students several days a week, often with little to no notice. Yes, I became a substitute teacher, and filled many happy days with kids aged 5 to 12. We were reading, spelling, multiplying, creating, dancing, singing, and laughing. It was a wonderful 2 months and I remembered how much I loved being in the classroom and interacting with youth.
And, much to my dismay, I found that I had a terrific rapport with the 5th and 6th grade students.
I had always assumed that I enjoyed the kindergardeners and 1st and 2nd graders better than the older kids, however I had such amazing discussions, and projects, and problems, and fun with these almost teens who proved to me that being yourself is the hardest job you will ever have. As I watched them struggle to figure out what it meant to be the person they were at that moment locked in the horns of who they want to be in the future, I saw that my everyday life was more of a testament to triumph than I ever give it credit for. The fact that I was standing in front of them alive, reasonably healthy, male, and smiling, and that who I appeared to be was exactly what they saw me as. There were no backstories to my life that made them look at me with suspicion or malice. There were no memories of who or what I once was, rather there was only "Mr. Hilton" at the front of the room telling them that we were all going to have a really great day.
In fact, I found that these kids loved that I could be silly and serious, and that I gave them the spaces they needed to define their own boundaries and realities. I began each class day by explaining my philosophy of teaching, but of course not in so many words. I would tell them that I believed that one of the most important parts of their day was recess and that if at all possible I would never hold them in for recess. This revelation was often met with shocked silence or outright applause and cheering. I told them that if they didn't do anything to make me keep them in, then I wouldn't need to keep them in. The questions would then flood out - what would they have to do to cause me to restrict their free time? I would reply that it was very simple, that if I was talking then I expected them not to be talking, that they needed to raise their hand if they had a question, that they needed to be respectful of me and of the other students, to treat others as they wanted to be treated. "Is that all????" they would ask. And I would say yes, absolutely, that is all there is. And our day would begin.
This method seemed to work well for me, and I saw in time that it was because I was empowering the kids to make choices and actions that would benefit them rather than punish them. Instead of setting up a system for bad behavior I created a way for them to be rewarded for their good behavior. Sometimes I would even give the younger ones extra time outside to play at the end of the day if they had done well. It felt right to be doing what I was doing and I saw the results in myself and in the kids quickly.
I grew more than they did in confidence and maturity. And I discovered how to utilize my love of "school" for the good of others.
I received my Education Technician Certification I,II,III in April and I have been pursuing openings in several locations. I would love to have my own classroom some day. I am working on the steps I need to take to get ME State certification as an elementary teacher.
In the meantime, with Summer upon us, I have been parenting my own sons and babysitting a six year old boy for a friend. I have been trying to do educational activities with them, but as you may imagine, an almost 9 year old boy and 2 six year old boys are not always as willing to participate in "school" when it is obviously VACATION!!!
We have a few Rec. programs we are participating in, and the boys have all latched onto "Field Trip Fridays" with a vengeance. Two weeks ago we went to the Animal Refuge and last week we went to the movies. We have a trip planned to the Boothbay Railway Village tomorrow for my mother's birthday, mini-golf included, so honestly I'm not sure I can top that on Friday! By then the local lake may seem like paradise...
So, I am tired, I am busy, I am often hungrier than I realize, and I have little time to contemplate the bigger things in my life, but deep down I am happy.
I am happy that it is Summer Vacation.
I am happy that there is a warm breeze, bright sun, fresh air, cool water, my laundry is flapping on the clothesline (I am not currently flapping), and that there are these quiet moments when 3 little boys are running around the lawn pell-mell, shouting, laughing, and playing with toys.
I hope that you are well and that your moments of vacation, if not as elongated as you might wish, bring you the joy that only comes when we live into this miracle of Summer.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
My sincerest apologies for not having written sooner.
I have missed you.
I have missed "us" being together for these brief moments of communication.
I have missed being quiet enough to sit, and write, and think.
Just as I began my blog some months ago another area of my life "took off" and I found that I was busy teaching elementary students several days a week, often with little to no notice. Yes, I became a substitute teacher, and filled many happy days with kids aged 5 to 12. We were reading, spelling, multiplying, creating, dancing, singing, and laughing. It was a wonderful 2 months and I remembered how much I loved being in the classroom and interacting with youth.
And, much to my dismay, I found that I had a terrific rapport with the 5th and 6th grade students.
I had always assumed that I enjoyed the kindergardeners and 1st and 2nd graders better than the older kids, however I had such amazing discussions, and projects, and problems, and fun with these almost teens who proved to me that being yourself is the hardest job you will ever have. As I watched them struggle to figure out what it meant to be the person they were at that moment locked in the horns of who they want to be in the future, I saw that my everyday life was more of a testament to triumph than I ever give it credit for. The fact that I was standing in front of them alive, reasonably healthy, male, and smiling, and that who I appeared to be was exactly what they saw me as. There were no backstories to my life that made them look at me with suspicion or malice. There were no memories of who or what I once was, rather there was only "Mr. Hilton" at the front of the room telling them that we were all going to have a really great day.
In fact, I found that these kids loved that I could be silly and serious, and that I gave them the spaces they needed to define their own boundaries and realities. I began each class day by explaining my philosophy of teaching, but of course not in so many words. I would tell them that I believed that one of the most important parts of their day was recess and that if at all possible I would never hold them in for recess. This revelation was often met with shocked silence or outright applause and cheering. I told them that if they didn't do anything to make me keep them in, then I wouldn't need to keep them in. The questions would then flood out - what would they have to do to cause me to restrict their free time? I would reply that it was very simple, that if I was talking then I expected them not to be talking, that they needed to raise their hand if they had a question, that they needed to be respectful of me and of the other students, to treat others as they wanted to be treated. "Is that all????" they would ask. And I would say yes, absolutely, that is all there is. And our day would begin.
This method seemed to work well for me, and I saw in time that it was because I was empowering the kids to make choices and actions that would benefit them rather than punish them. Instead of setting up a system for bad behavior I created a way for them to be rewarded for their good behavior. Sometimes I would even give the younger ones extra time outside to play at the end of the day if they had done well. It felt right to be doing what I was doing and I saw the results in myself and in the kids quickly.
I grew more than they did in confidence and maturity. And I discovered how to utilize my love of "school" for the good of others.
I received my Education Technician Certification I,II,III in April and I have been pursuing openings in several locations. I would love to have my own classroom some day. I am working on the steps I need to take to get ME State certification as an elementary teacher.
In the meantime, with Summer upon us, I have been parenting my own sons and babysitting a six year old boy for a friend. I have been trying to do educational activities with them, but as you may imagine, an almost 9 year old boy and 2 six year old boys are not always as willing to participate in "school" when it is obviously VACATION!!!
We have a few Rec. programs we are participating in, and the boys have all latched onto "Field Trip Fridays" with a vengeance. Two weeks ago we went to the Animal Refuge and last week we went to the movies. We have a trip planned to the Boothbay Railway Village tomorrow for my mother's birthday, mini-golf included, so honestly I'm not sure I can top that on Friday! By then the local lake may seem like paradise...
So, I am tired, I am busy, I am often hungrier than I realize, and I have little time to contemplate the bigger things in my life, but deep down I am happy.
I am happy that it is Summer Vacation.
I am happy that there is a warm breeze, bright sun, fresh air, cool water, my laundry is flapping on the clothesline (I am not currently flapping), and that there are these quiet moments when 3 little boys are running around the lawn pell-mell, shouting, laughing, and playing with toys.
I hope that you are well and that your moments of vacation, if not as elongated as you might wish, bring you the joy that only comes when we live into this miracle of Summer.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
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