Of Giving

Good Morning,

I have been sitting at my desk for awhile now, contemplating what and even if I should be writing.  Honestly. I am overtired and over-hungry, my dog is scratching herself silly, while grunting, whining, and barking at the 7 folks outside my house, and there is a Star Wars movie playing in the next room.  Beyond that, the folks on my porch, roof, and lawn are busily repairing things with loud equipment and the exuberant speech that comes from teenagers getting to play with power tools.  And my younger son is excitedly running in and out of the house to check on the progress and offer help and advice!

I suppose I should explain what's going on here.  As you may know we are not wealthy individuals.  Frankly we are downright poor, but not quite poor enough, as far as the governor is concerned, and we have been graced with the presence of a work group from a local housing mission to help repair some of the problems with our porch.  We will pay a small amount toward materials and these kind folks from away will patch up our mess.  I am grateful and embarrassed all at the same time.

It is the conundrum that I live with.  My wife and I have chosen to live this way to give our children parents who are available for them most of the time.  We have chosen to work at nonprofits, public schools, babysitting, guest lecturing, and giving far more than we will ever receive from those we have helped.  And it is so hard to ask for help from others.

It is a struggle for us to get by.  And yet I resist reaching out for the same help that I freely offer to anyone in need.

I resist doing things for myself, going places, buying stuff, because I want my kids to have access to what whatever they need or often want.  And in the end we all suffer when I do this, because I don't feel satisfied and they do not learn to do without.  I have taught them through example that it is better to meet someone else's wants than to meet your own needs first.  And then the resentment eats away at all of us.

So today, I sit and watch while others meet my needs. I sit and think these folks from away would surely rather be vacationing on the beautiful coast of Maine, eating lobster, rather than fixing my decrepit porch in the western foothills of Maine, eating lunch out of a cooler.  And I realize that I am wrong.  They are smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves tremendously, and are having a spiritual trip that is growing teens and adults alike in their faith journeys to becoming better, more whole individuals.  And I wonder why I think this is a bad thing.

I wonder why I can't translate my own sense of giving into giving to myself.

I wonder if this is a hard thing for many of us.

And I hope that I can learn to be as gracious and grace-filled receiver as I believe I am a giver.

Thank you, for giving me your time, and for giving me the desire to keep writing.

I'll be in touch soon.

Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.


-Ari