Of Autism Spectrum and Naughtiness

Hello My Friend,

So I wanted to write about being on the autism spectrum, working with individuals on the spectrum, and working alongside individuals who are not on the spectrum.  As luck would have it, inspiration struck while at work the other day, although not in the way I might have wanted it to.

After a brief conversation at work, I was initially offended by a comment that was made.
After some thought and reflection I realized why I was offended, and also why
I ultimately ended up agreeing with the comment.  It had much more to do with my own personal experience with being on the autism spectrum, than my work with children
and youth on that same spectrum.  I realized that what had offended me was a truth about myself, and about how I and others like me can be viewed by individuals who are not on the spectrum.

So, the comment had to do with behavior, specifically that an individual was "naughty"
because they were unable to stay out of things, follow directions, follow the rules,
etc.  And of course my first reaction was that it wasn't "naughty" behavior so much
as that it was typical behavior for someone on the spectrum, and that it was an unfair
assessment.  I was feeling personally attacked even though I didn't realize it.  I felt as
though my inabilities to sit still, my overly curious nature, my intrinsic belief that the rules
applied to everyone else but me, were being scrutinized and labeled as "naughty." And because the comment referred to the person and not the actual behavior, I therefore saw it as though I must be "naughty" myself.  I was decidedly not happy with that designation.

So, like any good Aspie, I perseverated on it for awhile, then actually took some time to
think about it, and then went to the dictionary to either help or hurt my own cause.

The first words for naughty that came up were "disobedient" and "mischievous" and then a reference back to the origin word of "naught" from the mid 1300's which meant wicked, and has modern usage meaning "nothing" as in the phrase "...will come to naught..."
This was definitely not what I was hoping to find. Further, the synonyms listed included everything from "misbehaved," to "obstreporous." Again, not what I was hoping for.

So, I went back to the dictionary and looked up disobedient, which was one of those
useless definitions because it basically stated that it was the opposite of obedient. Time
to look up obey, which referred to the ability to comply or follow directions or restrictions.
This definition is indeed accurate, and also incredibly annoying to someone on the
spectrum. If there is one word that I dislike, that does not have to do with bigotry or
hatred that is, it is restrictions.  In fact, I hate restrictions, and not just the word.  I do not want to be told what I cannot do.  Ever.  And, as a transgender/intersex individual I suppose I have chosen to defy restrictions in a way that most people never will.

That said, as an Aspie, I believe in restrictions for everyone else, and find it traumatically
unfair when restrictions are placed on me. It is a part of being on the spectrum, and it
is a part of the intelligence and memory capabilities that come with it too.  Unfortunately, if
there is a certain way to do something, for example how to load the dishwasher, then
I believe that it must be done that way every time and when someone deviates from
the "rules" I am distressed and will complain bitterly about it. I know this wears out others
in my life, and honestly it tires me out as well. It isn't easy being inflexible. And yes,
the irony that I changed my entire physical existence, in an act of incredible flexibility, is
not lost on me.  I can laugh at myself.  I can laugh at the absurdity of it all.  I choose to laugh because it becomes a tool for learning, rather than a negative belief that burrows farther down into my being.

The second word in the definition of naughty was "mischievous" and I found what I've paraphrased as 'able or tending to cause annoyance, trouble, or minor injury, can be playful or malicious.'  So, yeah, again with the words that are accurate and yet annoying.

But it's so true.  Being "naughty" or exhibiting behavior that is "naughty" usually is annoying, troubling, and often injurious to others.  Even when it is at it's most playful level of curiosity, it can be downright frustrating to have to deal with someone who just doesn't seem to get that the rules apply to them and that they need to follow along, and stop distracting everyone around them.  Getting into cabinets, wandering around, talking out of turn, fidgeting, singing out of turn, refusing to do what is being asked, dancing, flapping, playing with toys when it is learning time, the list is truly endless.  It is challenging to enforce rules and restrictions with an individual who does not seem to notice or care that there are rules and restrictions.

And  yes, many, many teachers had that experience with me over the years.  I was one of those kids who just didn't get it.  And it was a problem for all parties involved.  Teachers lost valuable teaching time.  I lost valuable learning time.  Other kids lost valuable learning time.  I lost valuable recess time.  I never fully learned how to make friends with peers because I was either acting "naughty" or I was in my own little world.

Having older parents, no siblings, and cousins who moved when I was 6 or 7, I didn't have peers in my life other than at school.  I thought I had friends there, but in hindsight, well, I can see how much time I really spent alone, even in a classroom with 20 other students.  I don't necessarily see this as a sad thing in my life, more of a reality base that I was the kid sitting in a bathroom stall alone talking to my "pet" staple-remover named "Snake/Fang."  I did this because I was bored or frustrated with what was going on in the classroom and because the staple-remover didn't make fun of me, or tease me, or bully me, or correct me, or judge me for being different.  And everyone else seemed to do just that.

It reminds me of another individual on the spectrum who while in elementary school one day made a "new best friend" in the bathroom, meet Mr. Urinal.  And I understood completely.  Sure it's funny, weird, quirky, bizarre, and everything else, and it is also a truth that those of us on the spectrum live with every day.  Sometimes inanimate objects make far better friends than real live people who we don't understand and who don't seem to understand us either.

And maybe, that's why sometimes our behavior appears naughty to others, because we want so desperately to be a part of things, and we either can't or don't understand the rules.  We don't always understand the social rules that govern interactions between individuals.  We rarely know when someone is "joking" or actually means it.  Literalism can lead one down many dark paths.  And there are so many subtleties to human communication, from tone of voice, to vocabulary, to non-verbal cues such as facial and body expression, to the differences between sarcasm and sincerity.  Trust me on this, staple-removers are a lot easier to communicate with than 8 year olds.

And here's where the learning curve comes in for me as an adult working with others on the autism spectrum.  I can remember what it was like to be that little kid, and I know what a difference a supportive adult would have meant in my life.  And not just someone who understood me, but someone who wanted to help me get out of my own head.  Someone who was capable of showing me that it was worth it to get out of my own head and see what other people thought.  Or simply to understand the power of human connection that can change who we are and how we see the world.

So, I have come to accept that my students and I can act in naughty ways, or at least in way that can be perceived as naughtiness, and that there are reasons not to do this.  That there are benefits and privileges that come from playing by the same rules as everyone else.  That life can be far more fun, and enjoyable, and less stressed when we leave the safety and comfort of our own differently wired brains.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes it is change.  Yes, it requires an ability and willingness to be wrong.  And, yes, it helps everyone to have a more fulfilling and productive life when we find the middle ground where we work together for common causes.

And from a theological and Biblically historical perspective I see how these are the true gifts of a G-d who knew that naughtiness was a part of all of human nature.  Without Adam and Eve's naughty acts of disobedience we might have all been more comfortable in the Garden of Eden, but then we would have never had the opportunity to struggle, to fight, to grow, to change, or to be curious about who G-d is and how G-d is in our lives. And there is no greater gift than that.


Being on the autism spectrum and acting naughty are part and parcel of each other, and I wouldn't trade the curious, wonderful, imaginative, and playful pieces of myself and my students for anything in the world.  And I wouldn't trade the ability to learn, grow, and change into parts of the a bigger worldview either.  I am blessed to be who I am, even when I act a little naughty.

Thank you for staying the course with me.

Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.

-Ari