I recently had a conversation with a friend who sympathized with the relationship I have with my mother. But she noted that I was dealing with a whole different kind of crazy. I laughed, and I realized that she was right. I do deal with a completely different kind of crazy than the majority of people ever have or ever will. And I also realized why that's a whole different kind of problem for me. You see, if that kind of crazy is your normal, well, it is very hard to know how to act in ways that other people view as normal.
My reactions to things are not always what the situation calls for. Frankly, my reactions usually have no bearing in reality whatsoever to the situations I am in. A part of this is my Asperger's, a part of it is my Bipolar Disorder, and an enormous chunk of it is the learned behaviors I got from my mother.
Or as I like to think of, how to look "crazy" in just 3 easy steps.
Step 1) Believe that no one is telling you the truth, ever.
Step 2) Believe that you are the victim, always.
Step 3) Act in a manner that combines the drama of an 19th century opera, the drama of Junior High School girls, and the drama of a Charlton Heston film such as Ben Hur or the 10 Commandments, as often as loudly as possible.
For extra "crazy" bonus points, self-mutilate in some fashion and threaten suicide, repeatedly.
Note: These 3 easy steps can and should be employed, at home, during quiet times, or whenever in a public place and things are not going according to your plans, i.e. throw a temper tantrum until you get what you want.
Welcome to my whole different kind of crazy.
So, how does a 38 year old man act when life isn't going his way? If I had been raised in a barn by wolves I would probably be more adept at this than I am. However, I was raised in a renovated barn (no, really) by two people who were more like piranhas, crossed with boa constrictors, that had the emotional capabilities of a bear that has been prematurely awoken during hibernation.
The answer to the above question therefore has too often been Steps 1-3 with bonus points. And no I'm not proud about this, however I am honest enough to admit to it. And I do so because it is important for me to know where I have been, how far I've come, and where I want to be in the future.
Let's start with where I was, a desperate individual, driven by my own mental illness, responding to real or perceived situations with totally inappropriate and harmful behaviors, and feeling "crazy" much of the time. This insanity began in my very early teens, and the results were swift and often unable to be altered. I was figuratively and literally sitting in a pile of cherished yet broken possessions, relationships, and memories. Those pieces of my life that my parents did not remove or destroy, I did in acts of fear, anger, horror, and illness. I lived into the craziness that surrounded me by allowing my beast of mental illness to take over and crash through every moment of my life. It and I did more damage than most people do in a lifetime over the course of just 6 years. And writing those words is a stomach churning experience for me. Perhaps because I know it didn't end there.
These behaviors and responses continued throughout my 20's and on into my 30's. I have burned so many bridges in my life that I often believe I will be forever trapped on a desert island of my own making. And because I continued to act in these ways I have missed out on a lot of my life. Self imposed exiles are rarely the vacations that one hopes them to be, particularly for someone like myself who is an extrovert, but an extrovert out of necessity rather than true nature. I was so desperate for love and attention from my parents that I developed a larger than life personality to gain access to human contact. All I wanted was to be noticed. All I wanted was to be loved. All I wanted was to feel worthy of being alive. So, I became as "out there" as possible in order to get what I wanted, because as every publicist, or 3 year old knows, negative attention is better than no attention at all.
And I got plenty of negative attention. I was horrendously unpopular in high school, sort of OK in college, and back to ridiculous in graduate school. I would say or do anything to get noticed. Sometimes I was right, and made a good point, but more often than not I was outlandish just for the sake of being outlandish, and I lost so much from those times. I was a never ending source of opposition just to be different and somehow special. And I both loved the attention, and loathed the internal sense of self that I had created. And having no inherent sense of core value or worth, I felt as though whatever people thought of me was me, I had a completely external locus of control. I let the world decide who and what I was and my beast ate it all up with a hunger that could never be satisfied.
This darkness has been a constant in my life. This reliance on others for approval and self-worth has been a keystone of my existence. And my "crazy" embraces it with a ferocity that grows with each compliment or insult that I receive, whether real or imagined.
Through more than a decade and a half of therapy I have grown immensely in my abilities to filter what I say, use appropriate communication skills, and seek the more beneficial forms of attention. And the pharmaceutical interventions haven't hurt either. I have made enormous forward movement in learning to love and accept myself for who and what I am. I continue to strive to expand my inner being and feel the abundance of love and hope that has been offered to me.
This not an easy task.
But for the past few weeks, as stresses have built up, meds have been altered, and schedules have changed dramatically I have begun to revert into my old behaviors. I have begun to speak unkindly. I have said things that weren't true. I have become combative. I have been crying. I have been triggered by situations that were previously manageable. And I have felt my beast stirring and growling, ready to pounce on those I love. And my own anxiety about that has only served to fuel the fires. I have been falling down those fiery rabbit holes into that whole different kind of crazy that has been my normal for nearly 40 years. And I am frightened by own lack of control.
The good news is that I can recognize this and will be meeting with an appropriate resource in just a few days. The not so good news is that I have again created an uncomfortable and harmful atmosphere for my family and they are responding with the anger and fear that is our beastly dance. And I am sorry. I am disappointed in myself. I am saddened by my darkness. And I am trying to calm my beast down, back into submission.
This is not an easy task.
However, all of this pain, and all of this work shines a light forward for who and what I want to become. Where I want to be in the future. How I want to see and be seen. Why it is important to keep trying and keep working to be the better man that I know I am.
It is my life's work to walk through this world as a man of G-d who respects the G-d within everyone else. And it is my life's mission to show each person I meet that they too have this life within them that can be shared with the world no matter how much doubt, or fear, or illness they believe they have. It is my call to be an opener of windows and doors into others' different worlds of crazy.
And so, I want to be that man who others turn to, rather than away from. I want to be that fun and happy man who shows love and respect for his wife, his children, all of his neighbors in this life. I want to be a friend, a partner, a true man of integrity and honesty. I want to be the Ari that I am called to be.
So, I am sorry for the ugliness I have been spreading. I am worn through by trying to fight my own beast. I am tired. And it is time for me to let go again in order to get control back.
Today I will once again ask G-d to care for my beast and help me to walk away from the hunger that drives it to hurt the ones closest to me.
On Sunday I will go to a place of worship and listen for the still, small voice of G-d. And I will ask for the help and support of that community as I return to being the man I know that I can be.
On Monday I will meet with my psychiatric nurse practitioner and discuss my medications, my fears, my current life situations, and ask for the help I need.And during this school vacation week when I will not be at work for the next 9 days, I will rest, I will do things that are nurturing for myself and nurturing for my family. I will put aside my expectations and instead experience the joy of children who have been given a break from the work of their daily lives. Work that is often challenging and stressful, just as much as adult jobs are for the grownups. I will enjoy my own break from my daily life as well. And I will love myself, and I will show that love to my family who needs it most.
Thank you for your patience and your willingness to stay on board this whole different kind of crazy.
Be well, love your neighbor as yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
No comments:
Post a Comment