So, after the last post about fatherhood, I felt that I needed to address the issue of motherhood and how I have been shaped by a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, and how that has also informed how I parent.
That said, I've also had therapy since the last post and gained new insight into my own fathering/parenting.
But let's go back to the mother issue, first though I want to frame it within the understanding of role model/teacher and not just mother. There is a greater difference than I realized in this and I have seen that I need to separate out that which has to do with parenting, and that which has to do with modeling appropriate behaviors, actions, and responses. Because in the deeper analysis of things my mother was largely unable to be a mother and it was her modeled behaviors that I learned.
To begin with, as I have come to understand it, a mother's job is to unconditionally love her newborn and as she does this the infant comes to know love and be able to receive it and give it back. The infant begins to incorporate love into their being and they gain an intrinsic belief that they are good, and worthy simply because they are loved. This is something I have indeed witnessed as I have seen how my wife has been an amazing mother to our two sons. She loves them fully and completely, and because of this, they know they are loved and in turn are able to love themselves and love others.
In the world of Borderline Personality Disorder, and some other forms of mental illness, it is nearly impossible for an individual with that disorder to be able to love another person fully, unconditionally, and in a way that does not reflect or create meaning for themselves. To this day my mother is unable to see my accomplishments as being independent from her. Somehow, my courage, conviction, and ability to change are direct results of her parenting. My successes in career, art, parenting, music, writing, etc. are all jewels in her crown shimmering as though it were her input that created them.
If my mother had in fact loved me unconditionally and without the need for self-fulfillment, then I would say that my courage, conviction, and ability to change were a result of her parenting. And if she had supported my activities, and risks, and projects without the need to to have them be a reflection of her own grandiose sense of self, then perhaps I would say that my abilities as an adult are due at least in part to her abilities as a mother.
But, my mother did not then nor does she now have those abilities. Her entire world revolves around herself. Consequently, I am one of the many lesser moons that have been cast into orbit around the narcissistic planet known as "J." Everyone in her life will at one time or another find themselves at the center of her volcanic core and then suddenly rocketed out into the cold silence of a space that can kill a person's spirit, if you let it. It is disturbing to be the most valuable person in the world to someone, and then out of nowhere you are loathed and despised.
As an adult this can be a devastating event that appears to have no rhyme or reason, and causes the object of total desire then complete hatred to question not only the person they thought was a deep and true friend, but also themselves, and their value as a human being.
As a child, this is a traumatizing experience that will most often lead to a lifetime of insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self esteem, hypervigilant behaviors, and a pervasive belief that one is not worthy of true love, affection, or possibly anything good at all.
It can lead to it's own form of mental illness, causing similar behaviors, creating breaking points in relationships, and destroying a person from the inside out, if you let it.
This has been my reality for nearly 38 years. I have lived in the shadow of a woman with a narcissistic ideology for my entire life, and I have often been unable to see even a single ray of sunlight through her darkness. I have lived my life in fear and anxiety, waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop, and dreading any moments of any day that would include my mother. This has led to my own pervasive darkness that has shadowed my own life. But it was how I learned to be with other people that was far more damaging.
There were so very many years of life spent behaving in the ways that I learned from my mother, and often parenting my children in ways that she parented me. Too often I have threatened to harm myself or others in the way that she always has. Too often I have run away from a situation, figuratively and literally. Too often I have favored one person, idealizing and idolizing them to an impossible fantasy, that consequently leads to distrust, disappointment, disillusionment, and depression when I see them as the person who they really are. They, like I, am human, and cannot ever be the god-like entity I have created in my mind. Too often I have done this with friends, family, mentors, and those individuals who had real or perceived power over me. I have mimicked the behaviors of a woman who is deeply mentally ill and believed them to be appropriate and socially dictated. Even though, deep down, I knew this wasn't true.
It has been an incredibly difficult challenge to learn new ways to be, to behave, to think, to act, to be the man I am today and the father that my children need. It has been only recently that I have come to see the consequences of the repeated behaviors in my daily life with my spouse and sons. I have seen the fear, and the anxiety, and the trauma that I have inflicted on my loved ones, and unlike my mother I have not derived pleasure or power from it. I have been horrified by the beast's and my ability to do harm when the fear and the self-loathing consume the rational me who is hiding deep within. And it has spurred me to be better, to act with love, and to stop and wait when I am afraid.
It is the light of G-d that has broken through the shadow of my mother to illuminate my path and show me that there are vibrant colors, amazing views, and millions of people who are a part of the world around me. It is the light of the G-d that is within me that I have allowed to shine out into the world to counteract the darkness of my youth and to show faith, courage, conviction, and the ability to change. Even when the person who could never fulfill my needs continued to try to manipulate and control my inner core sense of self, there was light within me and I have chosen to shine in spite of her selfishness and sickness.
Nearly a month has passed since my mother drove away, as she so often does, and the calls have nearly ceased, save for a message on the answering machine to complain that her possessions had not yet arrived, and that she needed a recipe. As the month has passed I have indeed felt lighter, brighter, and more able to see the world around me for what it is, broken, but lovable. And I am able to see this in myself as well. Yes, I am broken, but I am lovable. In fact, I am completely deserving and worthy of love. As is my wife. As are my sons. We are all broken by one thing or another in our lives, and we are all totally and fully lovable and loved by a G-d who always meets our needs. Thanks be to G-d.
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me.
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
 |
No comments:
Post a Comment