Hello, I've missed you!
I've spent the past few days working (read: guest speaking to a psychology class and beginning a new therapeutic model with my therapist) and have not had the emotional energy to share my thoughts. Add the laundry, cleaning, general schlepping, and everything else and you get a guy who forgets how to type his own name, let alone a coherent thought!
So, I wanted to share about the speaking I did on Monday. It was to a fabulous psychology class at a local community college, filled with bright and thoughtful individuals. And their professor is a gem!
The class is all about Sexual Orientation and the components thereof, particularly separating out sex, gender, and orientation as distinct components of the human sexuality experience. The majority of people equate sex, gender, and orientation as one basic thing, for example a "straight man" or a "lesbian" or a "transsexual." But in reality these labels only tell part of the story of who we are.
Sex, not the act, but the biological determination of our genes and chromosomes, is most often labeled as Male or Female. Like on your driver's license, but not as Austin Powers once deftly stated as "Yes, please!" Sex is a biological reference to the genitalia, the reproductive organs, and the genetics you possess. And although for many of us an "M" or an "F" is just fine, the reality is that there are far more true sexes than just those. Intersex conditions, i.e. genetic variances in a person's biological sex, occur on average in 1:100 individuals worldwide. This means that there are plenty of people out there who have no idea that their sex isn't exactly what they believe it to be. Now, I'm not saying millions of people are unaware of hidden internal organs, or smaller than average or larger than average genitals, or extra nipples, or whatever. No, I'm saying that our chromosomes and genes are far more complex and delicate than we realize. Because we do not walk around with our genome on display it is impossible to know who might look different than we expect if we could see their internal workings. For that matter, the natural variation among primary and secondary sex characteristics is also far greater than we believe it to be, because breast size and penis size are a complex occurrence of genetics, nutrition, disease, environmental factors and medical interventions. Breast implants are incredibly common, and other surgeries, though not discussed, happen frequently as well. So sex = body. But sex also equals mind. Who we are at a neurological level affects what happens between the sheets.
Enter then, Gender, a far more subjective aspect of the human experience. Gender is all about how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. The most common terms associated with gender are masculine and feminine, and that alone says much about our cultural beliefs about who we are. Masculinity starts with a latin root that refers to being of the male sex, and is often defined by physical characteristics. Virility, strength, performance, and size are all parts of the male puzzle. Femininity also starts with a latin root for female, it was a word that did not stand in comparison or contrast to the root for male though. That word,
femella, the diminutive of
femina, was altered to
female to help english speakers and writers more than 600 years ago, and it was physically based because it traces back to the root "to suckle" or in modern language the ability to breastfeed. But femininity as defined in modern western culture is about characteristics and character traits that appear to center around emotional responses and interactions with others rather than physical ones. Nurturing, gentleness, sensitivity, and empathy are the operative terms for this.
What does this say about us? So much and so little all at the same time. We are beings whose primary function is to reproduce our genes, like all other creatures on this planet we engage with each other in the hopes of creating more of us, and the way to make sure we will reproduce is to know that the person we are interacting with is capable of providing the other half of the genetic material we lack. So, we learn to ascribe gender. We learn to create identifying traits that tell us and everyone around us exactly what genetic material we possess, ova or sperm. And the dance begins. We need to find a mate, and we create elaborate methods of showing ourselves off.
Right now you may be thinking that I have digressed into biological determinism and have wandered away from gender. Actually, I believe that gender is both biologically necessary as well as complete construct. If we all walked around naked there would be little or no need for gender. There would be little reason to define what makes a man masculine and what makes a woman feminine because we'd never need to guess. But, even in remote populations where clothing is not a priority, nor is there a media presence attempting to sell products based on gender, there are still distinct and defined gender roles. In almost every culture ever studied there has been one sex that does one set of tasks and the other sex does something different. Most often the males sit around and do guy stuff, occasionally getting a larger meat product for the group, while the females birth, nurse, and rear children while cooking, cleaning, and creating much of the stability for the group. Biologically this makes sense, and if gender is a social construct then it make sense too that even in cultures where life is more survival driven we must come to agreement about what roles we are going to play. Why? Because we are so deeply complex as individuals, that there are certain rules or social mores that we must agree to adhere to in order to protect ourselves and ensure that future generations will exist. That we manage to live together as a group is a miracle unto itself. Creating gender roles is a way to solidify a group and create a sense of balance out of total chaos.
Gender is performance. Gender is necessity. Gender is at once ancient and constantly evolving.
We are gendered individuals and we must choose each day what that will look like.
And yet, there is far more than masculine and feminine. Not to mention that those terms are endpoints on an expansive and possibly non-exhaustive spectrum. With over 7 billion people in the world now, it is hard to imagine that my definition of feminine will be exactly like his, or hers, or yours. There are a myriad of gender representations and I want to detail them with thoughtfulness and care.
I also want to share about sexual orientation, however I feel that I should give us all a break. No matter how exciting the topic is, I have kids that I need to take to the dentist and garbage, laundry, shopping and dishes that refuse to do themselves. It is a precious reality that as a guy who gets to speak and write and share my life with others, I have been given the gift of sharing the everyday moments with my wife, sons, and community. And although there are days I would love to sit and write without interruption, I suspect that I might forget the reasons why I was writing in the first place. Each time one of my sons hugs me, or my wife thanks me for cooking, or I breathe in the fresh air as I hang tiny shirts and pants on a clothesline, I remember why I'm really here. To be their Dad, her husband, a helper, protecter, lover, and friend is my true calling and I cannot ask for a greater cause than that.
So, go have a cup of tea, or coffee, maybe a donut, maybe an orange, whatever you prefer and spend some time thinking about your gender performance. Think about what you want others to see in you, but more importantly think about what you want to see in you. Don't rely on cultural influences to tell you what your gender performance should be, rather search your own mind for what makes you feel masculine or feminine and why. Search your memories of others and how they performed for you, your family, or for themselves. When you find the activities and emotional responses that make you happy, do them! Perform your own interpretation of gender! Perform like everyone is watching, and then remember that no one really is, because they are too worried that you and others are watching them!
Were you a tomboy? Were you a sissy? Were you a girly-girl? Were you all boy?
What would you be, if no one was watching?
Be well, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and remember to actually love yourself.
-Ari
no phone, no computer, no way
